Chapter 4: I Hate My Life

I decided to throw a birthday party for myself and invite the few people I know. It was so nice having Stella there, acting as the lady of the house. I made sure that I paid extra attention to her to show her that I saw everything she did and I appreciated it.

The next night, I invited her to the park for another important conversation.

She was so shocked and happy. I don’t even have to tell you what she said.

All night I couldn’t sleep. I was super excited about the engagement and kept imagining what our new life together would be like. I thought about how many kids we would have, what kind of father I would be, etc. Life, at that moment, could not have been any better.

The next day before I had a chance to call Stella, she came by the house. I was so excited to see her until I saw a very serious look on her face. My heart was in my throat as I braced myself for what she was about to tell me. She told me that she was not able to have children, and she was terribly sorry she had not brought it up sooner.

I was devastated! I was speechless. I was…not having it!

“STELLA!!!! Why are you just now telling me this? What about that night in the library when we told each other everything about us? Did that mean anything to you? You didn’t think that was a good time?”

“Of course I did, but I just didn’t know how to say it! I knew children was very important to you, and I didn’t want to break your heart.”

“BREAK MY HEART?! My heart is broken NOW! So it’s ok to break my heart the morning of our wedding? Is that what your plan was? Were you trying to trap me?”

“No, Xavier! I swear! I love you!”

“I loved you too Stella! I was going to give you EVERYTHING, and you were just going to let me do it and not get anything in return!”

“Wait…was??”

“Yeah! Was…as in not anymore!”

“Xavier!!! Please!”

I hated to see her cry. Even though I was extremely upset, I still loved her. For a split second I thought about making it work, but I knew in the long run I would not be happy with no children. I called off the wedding, but some kind of way she felt she had the right to be angry about it! How does that work? I bought this ring. I proposed. I was deceived, but she’s mad? Trifling! However, I chose to be the bigger person and asked for forgiveness. We may no longer be in a relationship, but she is still currently my best friend, and I wouldn’t want to lose that.

It took me some time to get over that situation. And if I was honest, I never stopped loving her! Looking back, I know I didn’t give myself enough time to heal. I got right back out there meeting people the next day.

Now that I’m back on the market, I completely stand by my original statement that there was something wrong with everyone woman in this town! I’m not sure if I was different or if I was still stuck on Stella, but I was having a hard time this time around. NO woman was right for me! I compared them all to Stella, and none of them were her. I even thought that I could marry her and be happy, and then when she died I would marry someone else much younger than me and have kids at the end of my life–that’s still an option!

The woman I’m with now finished breaking my heart. I think she’s just one of those women who like to play games. She liked my company, and she liked it when I showed her interest, but whenever I tried to get serious with her she blocked me. It took me a loooong time to even get her to be my girlfriend. After she finally accepted, I thought she might be keen on getting engaged, so I asked her to marry me…TWICE!! (not in the same day) She shot me down both times.

I’m getting old, and time was escaping me! As a matter of fact, all the women I used to talk to are old now, so it’s not even worth rekindling old flames. I came to be very cynical. It was hard for me to believe that there was anyone honest out there for me. I poured myself into my work to ease the pain. I made it so that I was busy from morning ’til night so I wouldn’t have the time to even consider my situation and get sad all over again. Between caring for my precious lilies, doing freelance work, and doing projects for work, I didn’t have the time to entertain love. I hated my life so much.