Balderdash: Cogitation

Author’s Note: I need to give a shout out to Kymber for giving me the word for this title! Thank you so much for your help!

Sometimes, I feel like a contestant on The Bachelor. I am the bachelor, but no one told me. I don’t mind, of course. Given my athletic background, I’ve always been pretty popular with the ladies. And, what can I say? Our family has amazing genes. I know what you’re thinking, and there’s no shame in recognizing it. The problem comes when you begin flaunting it and reading your own press. It’s like I always say, everyone loves to look at a peacock, but nobody wants to own one. That’s what I try to teach my nephew anyway. My sister is so gushy and always gassing up his head, telling him how cute he is. He’s getting close to the age when little boys start feeling themselves. I don’t want him to be a peacock. I want him to be an eagle, soaring high above the clouds, making observations, and being selective. Everyone respects an eagle.

Zayne has been back in Emmanuel’s life for a little while now, and things have turned out ok I guess. He’s not around as much as the little man wants because of his work schedule, but he does make an effort and I appreciate that. I enjoyed being the positive male role model in the boy’s life, but I’ve always wanted him to have a good relationship with his father and for Zayne to be a positive role model.

Everything is coming together as I always wanted. Emmanuel has a good relationship with his father which is something I never had but always wanted for him. Andrea is doing well and doesn’t really need me anymore. So, where does that leave me? I’m doing well at work, and if I wanted or needed to, I could support myself. Lately, there has been a nagging voice in the back of my head that tells me it may be time to move out. All this time, I’ve been focused on being the man of my sister’s house. She never needed my money, but she needed my support in other ways. When Zayne left, she was a wreck. After a while, she got over it and was ok. But, his reentry has stirred the pot a bit. Honestly, I’m not sure where her head is in regard to him. Ever since he came back into the picture, she’s been concerning herself with how she looks and overdosing on that baby dust. It’s so real what they say about women and their biological clocks!

I’m conflicted. On one hand, I feel like I need to stay and make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid. Andrea has one of the most brilliant minds I know, but when it comes to matters of the heart, it’s difficult to tell how intelligent she really is. On the other hand, she’s a grown woman who’s gonna do what she’s gonna do. She has her life, and I have mine. In a way, I feel like we may be holding each other back. Neither of us has dated seriously in a long time. I think we both know living together makes dating awkward. We’ve already lived through her dating Zayne, and my presence turned out to be a blessing. But, I don’t want to be all up in my sister’s business again, and I definitely don’t want her in mine. All that aside, we are all we have. At this point, we’ve been together longer than we were apart, but the pain from that time still affects our decisions. We survived being separated in the foster care system, and we will survive as we live separately as adults. I won’t abandon her by moving out, but sometimes it feels that way.

Ever since I graduated high school, I’ve been raising my nephew and supporting my sister emotionally. It’s weird to think of, but I’ve been operating as a father and something like a significant other throughout my entire adult life. The experiences have been rewarding, but I’m not sure I’m ready to fully step into those roles with my own family. I absolutely want to later down the line, but for right now, I think it’s time I live for me.